Let's see, I have been dealing with my own world which has seemed very much like a ride in an amusement park with the ups and downs. Dealing with relationships can be that way, they are filled with promise and pain, hope and despair, love and loneliness. I've been dealing with exhaustion and my Mother's declining health, jumping from Dr. to Dr. to find her help, only to be told it is her journey and she will probably remain on this journey until she goes heavenward. Only she can decide how much work she wants to put into staying in her body a little longer. If I were her, given that choice, I'm not sure what I would do. I simply have to learn how to manage her and provide the best environment for her while she makes her decisions.
I've missed sharing with you, but I'm sure if you were anything like me, your late summer into fall, and the Holidays have been very busy. Did it seem to you like everything went by way too fast? Maybe it was because I was so busy, but it all hit me like a freight train, Thanksgiving (smack!)...Christmas (smack!)....New Years (smack!)...AND.........it's over!!! And there's no caboose! Have you all noticed that there are no red cabooses anymore? I think I am sometimes just very nonobservant, but I didn't know that trains didn't have cabooses anymore until a few years ago when my Grandson was into trains. I was waiting for the caboose and telling him to look for it. And it never came! This disturbed me. Oh well, another fond childhood image stolen from my clutches!! But, I barely had time to stop and realize it was the Holidays. It took me leaving my house, and even my state to find the true solitude expected of the season. The weekend after Christmas we went to Nashville to visit our son, Britt. We entered his small townhouse and enjoyed a small family dinner and then had our Christmas. My Grandson, Asher, now six years old, played our Santa, hat and all! As I sat with family all around me, something settled over me. I thought at first it was gratitude or maybe a soft whisper of new hope for a new year. I didn't know, but as I took myself out of the situation and became the observer, I suddenly found serenity in the season. Here I was sitting in my son's home, the same son who could be dead from flipping a jeep a few years ago on a dark lonely road, no longer depressed or sad, but using his gift to help save people's lives. And I looked at my beautiful daughter enjoying her children, the same daughter who faced abuse as a child and denial as an adult so much that she was almost lost to us emotionally. But here she was with her family thriving and enjoying a normal Christmas. Ava my Granddaughter, so sparkly and alive and happy. I remembered the day she was born thinking she would never breath, but she did and now here she was reminding me of a simpler time when I was young and had life ahead of me. And Asher! He was clearly reading all the name tags. He has been reading now for some time. And this is the same child whose parents were told he would probably be behind in school because of a speech impediment. Not this boy!!! We are all such a paradox I thought.
I leaned back into myself again, took a deep breath and took the hand of my husband with whom I'd just celebrated thirty-three years of marriage, and I enjoyed the moment. Nothing could have kept me from just breathing in the peace, joy, hope and love in that room, nothing. These moments are the moments we live for. All the rest is just build up.
For me, I found the miracle of the season where I least expected. And this is how I would explain it, no matter how bad things get or how low I go, there is always hope. And I can get pretty low, you know, crawling on the floor...boo hooing low! I guess what hurts the most to me, and I'm bearing my soul, is rejection. Whether the rejection is from a friend from the past who won't reconnect because you remind them of unpleasant times, even though you, yourself didn't do a thing! Or by someone who promises they'll always, always be there for you and never abandon you, but before long they are just like the rest, scampering away from you. And the hardest part of rejection is when you realize not only did someone not really want to be your friend, but they were really just using you for other reasons than your friendship. That's a gut clencher. But here's the thing, everyday gives us new mercy and new grace. We simply have to wake up to take it and make it ours. And we don't get it by our own merit or because we earned it or deserve it. Our loving Lord and Savior and the God who created us simply doles it out to us because of His great love. He never gets tired of us, never forgets or abandons us, He never associates us with bad, even when we do the sinning! He took care of that on Calvary and He accepts me with no ability to reject me as His child.
The beginning of a year is always the time to start picking up and using our free mercy everyday if we haven't been. Of course, work on what you have with God, be faithful, but once you've done all to strengthen your relationship with your Father, then know that He picks up the slack. I'm ready for what's ahead, with new mercy on board of course.
I hope you too can celebrate the seasons of life whether bad or good. They all serve a purpose. I have to believe they do. And you must believe it too. Love orchestrated this universe and you are the apple of His eye, so just remember you are on His mind every season, everyday, and you will survive!
Love to all,
Roma
