Leaving Myself and Celebrating the Season

Hello everyone! Don't let the exclamation mark throw you off, I am not in an extraordinarily chipper mood, but I am glad to be writing you. So I use the mark for you, and not to express myself. I'm really not that low, it's just hard to begin to explain where I've been, I wouldn't even know how to start. Maybe I should just go with the flow and let it happen.

Let's see, I have been dealing with my own world which has seemed very much like a ride in an amusement park with the ups and downs. Dealing with relationships can be that way, they are filled with promise and pain, hope and despair, love and loneliness. I've been dealing with exhaustion and my Mother's declining health, jumping from Dr. to Dr. to find her help, only to be told it is her journey and she will probably remain on this journey until she goes heavenward. Only she can decide how much work she wants to put into staying in her body a little longer. If I were her, given that choice, I'm not sure what I would do. I simply have to learn how to manage her and provide the best environment for her while she makes her decisions.

I've missed sharing with you, but I'm sure if you were anything like me, your late summer into fall, and the Holidays have been very busy. Did it seem to you like everything went by way too fast? Maybe it was because I was so busy, but it all hit me like a freight train, Thanksgiving (smack!)...Christmas (smack!)....New Years (smack!)...AND.........it's over!!! And there's no caboose! Have you all noticed that there are no red cabooses anymore? I think I am sometimes just very nonobservant, but I didn't know that trains didn't have cabooses anymore until a few years ago when my Grandson was into trains. I was waiting for the caboose and telling him to look for it. And it never came! This disturbed me. Oh well, another fond childhood image stolen from my clutches!! But, I barely had time to stop and realize it was the Holidays. It took me leaving my house, and even my state to find the true solitude expected of the season. The weekend after Christmas we went to Nashville to visit our son, Britt. We entered his small townhouse and enjoyed a small family dinner and then had our Christmas. My Grandson, Asher, now six years old, played our Santa, hat and all! As I sat with family all around me, something settled over me. I thought at first it was gratitude or maybe a soft whisper of new hope for a new year. I didn't know, but as I took myself out of the situation and became the observer, I suddenly found serenity in the season. Here I was sitting in my son's home, the same son who could be dead from flipping a jeep a few years ago on a dark lonely road, no longer depressed or sad, but using his gift to help save people's lives. And I looked at my beautiful daughter enjoying her children, the same daughter who faced abuse as a child and denial as an adult so much that she was almost lost to us emotionally. But here she was with her family thriving and enjoying a normal Christmas. Ava my Granddaughter, so sparkly and alive and happy. I remembered the day she was born thinking she would never breath, but she did and now here she was reminding me of a simpler time when I was young and had life ahead of me. And Asher! He was clearly reading all the name tags. He has been reading now for some time. And this is the same child whose parents were told he would probably be behind in school because of a speech impediment. Not this boy!!! We are all such a paradox I thought.

I leaned back into myself again, took a deep breath and took the hand of my husband with whom I'd just celebrated thirty-three years of marriage, and I enjoyed the moment. Nothing could have kept me from just breathing in the peace, joy, hope and love in that room, nothing. These moments are the moments we live for. All the rest is just build up.

For me, I found the miracle of the season where I least expected. And this is how I would explain it, no matter how bad things get or how low I go, there is always hope. And I can get pretty low, you know, crawling on the floor...boo hooing low! I guess what hurts the most to me, and I'm bearing my soul, is rejection. Whether the rejection is from a friend from the past who won't reconnect because you remind them of unpleasant times, even though you, yourself didn't do a thing! Or by someone who promises they'll always, always be there for you and never abandon you, but before long they are just like the rest, scampering away from you. And the hardest part of rejection is when you realize not only did someone not really want to be your friend, but they were really just using you for other reasons than your friendship. That's a gut clencher. But here's the thing, everyday gives us new mercy and new grace. We simply have to wake up to take it and make it ours. And we don't get it by our own merit or because we earned it or deserve it. Our loving Lord and Savior and the God who created us simply doles it out to us because of His great love. He never gets tired of us, never forgets or abandons us, He never associates us with bad, even when we do the sinning! He took care of that on Calvary and He accepts me with no ability to reject me as His child.

The beginning of a year is always the time to start picking up and using our free mercy everyday if we haven't been. Of course, work on what you have with God, be faithful, but once you've done all to strengthen your relationship with your Father, then know that He picks up the slack. I'm ready for what's ahead, with new mercy on board of course.

I hope you too can celebrate the seasons of life whether bad or good. They all serve a purpose. I have to believe they do. And you must believe it too. Love orchestrated this universe and you are the apple of His eye, so just remember you are on His mind every season, everyday, and you will survive!

Love to all,

Roma

NEWS FLASH FROM MY LIFE

Hello to all my faithful friends! At the sight of this greeting please don't fall off your chair or your couch, or choke on your coffee or trip on your own feet, if you're walking and reading, which you shouldn't be doing! I know that it is impressive that I am writing two posts in one month!! I have to write when I find the inspiration and I have been given some amazing inspiration!

I have something to share with you. News Flash: You are not in control of your life. God knows what you need when you need it. Keep on praying for God's will to be done in your life, because God's will is that the desires of your heart be met, and only He truly knows what those are. And it's all in His time, when you're in a time of drought, or feeling "invisible" it's hard to believe that anything will ever change, ever!!! But in one moment things can turn around, and not by anything you do, but by something God may bring to you. That's what has begun to take place in my life. In just a few weeks, God has begun to open so many new and fresh doors. I have ideas flowing, God helped kick start my book, and some other things so amazing, that they had to be God!

It's been three years of drought for me. And especially since my Dad died. Our relationship was complicated but I loved him with all my heart. All families find forgiveness a necessary part of their daily walk with one another. Our walk of forgiveness was just viewed by many more people than we would have chosen. There was some confusion in our relationship that could never be eradicated. There was a time when every traveling prophet that visited my Dad's church would prophecy that I was to be my Dad's "successor". This went on for years and I never really knew what it meant. It was usually done in private with just me and my Dad or me him and another elder, or just him. But my Dad never wanted to admit it, or say anything to anyone in public. I'm glad. He, however, began almost public campaigns for others to stand beside him and become his" Elisha" and catch his "mantel". At the time the Church, in the K- center was a thriving, huge ministry, and I was in my twenties. This scared me to death. Of course things moved on in many different directions and here we are today. The good thing is I have never really tried to be in control of this. In fact, at the urging of the Holy Spirit I left the Church in the early 90's and it had nothing to do with this. Some misunderstood our leaving as a "power play" as if I hadn't gotten my way so we were taking our toys and going home. Only thing was we didn't have any toys to take. We made the decision to leave based on our own quality of life. If I knew I had done something to thwart what was "of God" It would grieve me, but then I would someday be brought back onto the right path because "the steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord". By my definition of "righteousness", I think I meet the standard. I think it means staying in the right relationship with God and treating our fellow man as we ought. Anyway, being a successor doesn't always mean what we think it means. For example, your Mom or Dad have certain traits, good and bad, certain gifts and certain defects of character, everyone does. You got some of those from your parents. If you are to be their successor say, in the business, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will run the office, it might just mean that you will have the same passion for the work they are doing. I guess that's my take on this thing. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, for those of you who wonder how I have felt about this. I am at peace.

I don't really think I've talked too much about my Dad and how I feel, but I promised God and you that I"ll share things from my life that might help bring spiritual perspective to anyone suffering from something similar. Whoa!!! I can't cover this subject in one entry, and I've already made you injure yourself by writing it, so I'll just start and stop where I'm comfortable.

I was cleaning out my office this week and I came across my stack of bibles. I only keep about half of them on my book shelves. I store the others. The stack comes up to my knees, so I thought, "well I'll go through and see if I can store any of these". Most had been given to me. I had one given to me by one of my spiritual Papas, Oral Roberts, he taught me so much about agreement in heavenly places. He called me a few times when I was really sick and his prayer was just as fervent and real over the phone! He was for real. We made a connection at my Dad's church when I had a migraine and I was healed, he then said that God was calling me into a "healing ministry", now that's more down my line, anyway, so he would occasionally call to check on me. What a man! So I kept his bible out. Then I found a bible from my childhood, you know the one with the colored pictures in each chapter. I found my teenage bible (and some notes that I was apparantley passing during church, shame, shame!). Then there was "Una Parola, Una Vita" my Italian bible from Sylvano Lily, a Pastor in Rome who I sincerely hope to visit someday and preach for. I even tried learning Italian for a year for the the occasion! I was pretty good at it, but I have forgotten all but a few words, why does that happen, why? Excuse me while I wipe away my tears over my lost Italian.....Okay, I'm back, but, then I found the bible from my Daddy. It was in a box, and as I opened it the aroma of bible leather filled my senses, I love that smell it brings up images of my Daddy studying on Saturday nights when I was a little girl, of my own studying of God's Word, of putting my face in the bible as I prayed for people and the many funerals and weddings I've officiated. Then, when I opened the pages I could see that it had belonged to him.

He had used it from about 1975 to 1984. I immediately recognized this as the bible he had used when he preached about "The Message of The Kingdom of God". This maybe just a "catch-phrase" to some of you now. To others you understand the impact that this message has had on the Christian faith. I know that when he began preaching this message it was true and pure, unadulterated. And as long as he preached it, staying true to the tenants of the Word of God and the nature of Christ, he did so much good and still is known as a "Father" of the message of "The Kingdom of God". When history writes it's view, fleshly actions don't cancel out what God does through an earthen vessel. If they do then all the psalms and everything David did is null and void. And we can say the same for Saul of Tarsus, or Paul. My Dad was repentant on his death bed. I was there to witness it.

Okay, so I open the front page, and it says, "Christmas 1989, Dear Beth: This is the Bible I was using when God gave me the revelation concerning "The Gospel of The Kingdom". I felt to pass it on to you in hopes it might serve as an inspiration in years to come. I love you! Daddy" I don't know exactly what was in his mind and now I can't ask him. He did share a few visions and dreams he had about me ministering, but none seem even feasible to me now (I know, I know what you're saying to me, where's my faith? With God all things are possible. Thank you very much). And in my heart I know that sometimes the church system is a "broken cystern" drinking the same water every time they gather and letting it flow on through them instead of getting filled, taking hold, and and pouring it out on a thirsty world. We are secure in our present systems and little traditional groups. But someday people will begin to reach outside of the familiar, and reach out for the Son of love because they need more, actually, they need less. When they let the chains of any form of legalism, any form of judgmentalism, any form of control begin to fall, as each link lets loose, they will begin to be transformed into this wonderful dimension. His Kingdom is not of this world, it is inside you, in a place which will live on forever. We must begin to learn to access it and live in a higher dimension of life. By the way, it's refreshing to see when churches begin to catch a glimpse of this and move into this new dimension. It is beginning to happen in some churches. When I speak of churches who are stuck in tradition or in "the system", please remember that I know a lot of good Pastors and people who feel the same way as what is written in this post.

Wheew! That's my sermon for the day! My point is, I am on a path that only God has chosen. "You chart my path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment You know where I am. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139 (NLT). This scripture blows me out of the water people!!! I'm not even really sure what is coming my way from day to day with what has been working in my heart lately. But obviously God does. He knows where you are. We think we're so smart with our satellite locaters. I use to go on line and look at my son's house in Nashville just to feel close to him. Maybe not in real time, but you Mother's know how it is, sometimes you just need to feel close to your baby, even if he is 31 years old. Please don't tell Britt that I did this, I really don't do it anymore, now that I feel he is happy and safe. Ah, who cares that I did it anyway?!!! But God has never needed technology and has always been able to see right down into the very core of your being! He knows me better than I know myself and has proven this to me this week. I'm not trying to behave as if I know better than anyone, God forbid! I know nothing except what God inspires into my heart and mind. And those of you who know me also know that! Ha!

From Roma

With Love

Have I Been Erased?

I know!! It's been over a month. When I looked at my last posting I could not believe my slothfulness. However, I will give myself a break since I have been dealing with some very crazy physical issues that you don't need to hear about. Maybe later. I'll just say that I found out this week that my blood work does not show anything like cancer or any major illnesses. However they, the very efficient Doctors, are still in the process of examining the source, of my unspecified fever I have had for SIX MONTHS!!!! Sorry, didn't mean to let my frustration show. Anyway now I don't need to tell you later because I just told you. Another excuse for delaying my post is that I went on vacation with my family, it was awesome, I think it was the best vacation we have had.

I want to start by just asking you if you've ever felt just invisible, or like a big cosmic eraser has come down and just erased the place where you thought you were making a difference in this world? I'm sure I can't be the only one. I think seasons of change in our lives must bring this feeling. I have been through this a few times. Once when I left a thriving ministry out of moral convictions...it is the hardest things I had ever done. I went from a religious television personality, pastor of 300 families, to nothing but a woman struggling for her sanity overnight. What was that about? But God raised up another ministry through the pain, and soon we were a part of birthing a beautiful Christ centered, Spirit led church that led hundreds to Him and was responsible for so many great and powerful things. I'd like to think we opened a wider door to God's presence and helped to change the face of youth ministry in our community. We did change how churches and schools interacted in our community. I also made a personal difference in how women are received in our county in Pastoral roles. It took a lot of tenacity to break down that wall!!! But The greater things we did were to change lives, help people get back to God, restore homes, bring people back to hope and sanity, comfort, love and introduce people through worship to a healing God. I faithfully preached the Word three, sometimes four times a week, sometimes through broken limbs, migraines, viruses, pneumonia, strep throat, kidney stones, you name it, for 13 plus years. Then on August 19, 2007 it happened again, it stopped. Just stopped. At first I felt liberated, then I felt lost on Saturday nights and Sundays and I missed the church family. Then when I visited other churches all I could do was cry. So I quit going to church. I would get sermons with no one to hear, I would get Words with no one to tell, so I would write them anyway. I felt rejected, and I felt invalidated. This went on for a looooooong time, but in time this feeling just dissipated and I started feeling as if the place I stood was important enough.

I promise I am not just toying with you, I really came to a place of serenity, knowing that all I can do is wake up and take one step into the day, one breath sometimes and see what God brings my way. I have been surprised at how much God has put in my path. And it is so liberating knowing that God has been doing this same thing with so many people I know!!

The "Bloody Blanket" led us to an encounter with people we would have never been as closely involved in as we were. We attended a "family week" to help understand some of the issues that our son had been battling. I know now God put us there. We were in a room with about 10 other families. We were just one of them. We all had the same issues and we were all on common ground. As we listened to their stories we wept, seriously wept. And they did the same with us. The week changed our lives. We realized that these people didn't feel accepted by any religious institution or organization, no, they only came to a place where love was unconditional with no strings, no expectations in return. And most of us there had to learn to ask our fellow man for help. That's harder than you think. But if God's Kingdom is within us, and if it consists of love, peace, and joy, why shouldn't we be a walking church, or city. This fellowship reflected more of Jesus than anything I had been a part of for a while. Wes and I knew right then that God was turning our hearts in a new direction, a direction harder to see, but with more rewards. Just like Jesus, a mobile unit of loving those who no one else really can see. Those who feel erased, those who feel that the circumstances of life have invalidated them from moving forward. And we continue daily pursuing new ways of doing this!!!!

I am considered "unchurched" right now. But I am a member of Christ's larger community. I believe in the church. I believe that if we don't support it somewhere it will die. And I am looking for the breakthrough of believers who will defy religion and become the Message. If you are one of these people give the church a vote by keeping it alive in someway. What if there were no churches alive when we passed them on Sundays? It could happen, it really could in the day we live in.

So next time you feel erased, or eradicated, or invalidated, or whatever word you may use, just remember that God never destroys anything He creates, though you may feel it's not there it doesn't mean squat, it just means He is transforming it into something you can't see yet!! Ha Ha Ha!!!!

From Roma with Love

The Bloody Blanket

I know, don't say it, it has been a loooong time. And I do apologize to anyone who was keeping up with my blog. I left off at sort of a dramatic place in my life. And as fate would have it, a lot of life has happened since we last talked, or since I last talked to you. Sorry, this blog is not interactive, wish it could be, but then it would be facebook!!! I feel sort of energetic today so bear with me.

After that phone call came to us on that night our world began to change. I thought my world was over, and I even began to blame "the devil" for trying to stop God's plan for my son's life and for my life. Of course there were many other people to consider who were connected to us. Britt came home beat up and very sore. We put him in the bed and I crawled up next to him as his Dad tried to sort out some of his bloody things in another room. His head was bandaged and I didn't know if he was understanding much of what I was saying. "Hey, buddy, you need anything?" His eye twitched and he asked "No, where's my stuff?" I replied, "what was not with the car is in the next room". "Do you know what happened?" I asked. "No, not really, but I know I really screwed up, Mom." "Were you trying to kill yourself?", "I don't know". He lay there like a helpless child moaning and I just put my hand on him as I had done countless times and prayed.

In a few days we went to the lot to get his belongings from his jeep. I cried. His Dad and I had to dig his bible and his sermon notes, his seminar material, paperwork from his building business (which he did on the side to help support himself), and basically his whole life from the debris. Mixed with the grass and dirt was his blood, the cracked windshield held pieces of hair and blood, and the sheet they had on the gurney had dropped so I picked up the blood soaked sheet to keep, as only a Mother would do. As I held it I had never felt so out of control. My child had come so close to dying, and I couldn't have stopped it. I would realize later that I didn't need to have any part of it.

From there you can imagine all he went through, we were there supporting, and we found out what he had been hiding all along. He was struggling in his marriage and the pressures to be a perfect young Pastor, giving support to his Mother who had been sick and was running from court depositions and the media (we will discuss later) and a sister with abuse issues, not to mention other close family members with major personal problems,and a building business on the decline. And a wavering church wondering what was going on with him, it was far too much. When he tried to be "transparent" it only back fired and no one could possibly understand the bizarre circumstances we found ourselves in.

"And now the rest of the story", as Paul Harvey use to say, or I think that's what he said. Some of you are too young to remember him, but those of you who do, here it is, it wasn't the "devil" crushing us, even though it has taken years for us to understand this. He has no power in our lives. It has been a slow and deliberate process of God's power to free our family from religious bondage and from the uncertainty of allowing people to play God in our lives. It is awesome when God can take His rightful place and you no longer have control. Our family now lives"one day at a time". And I"ll continue this story later.

But, in closing, to show you what I mean, I had the closest brush with heaven the other night. It was just as the sun was going down and my daughter and her husband, my two Grandchildren and my husband and I took a swim. My Mother sat on the side to watch. The sky was changing colors, and the lights in our pool were changing colors as well. The fountain we have was making droplets fall on the water around us, all was quiet, a small breeze gently stirred the trees and lightening bugs were flickering here and there. It had been a hot day so the pool was tepid and felt like a bath. We were all just relaxing, the kids would swim from one of us to another laughing and squealing. Everyone was smiling. We felt unconditional love, we felt peace and even joy. As I floated along, I looked up to see the first star peek out from the colorful clouds and my Granddaughter came over to sing our song "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star". Then I closed my eyes and I could feel those I loved who had gone before me. My sister, my Dad, my Mom-in-law, smiling at us, and suddenly I was wrapped up in the love of the Father of life, just for a moment all was well with the world. I breathed it in. That was heaven.

And the moral of this story is, sometimes when you look at the "bloody blanket" and you feel so out of control, go with it, it may save your life!

Life can change with a phone call

Hi it's been a while. I hope you and yours have stayed well! Sometimes life is very difficult to maneuver and as you know, things can change with one simple phone call. I never experienced this like I did in January of 2007, and even though it's been three years, I shutter even now as I think of it.

Free Life Church, our church at the time, was beginning to really take off and become a place for change and ministry for people truly in need. We had opened our doors even wider to the possibility of reaching the world by changing our method of ministry. The vision of the church had not changed from the original vision, which was to provide "a door" to Jesus Christ and the presence of God. We had already done that as " The Shepherd's Door" but it was time for a change. An unforeseen illness had taken me out of the pulpit or for that matter, the leadership of the church. My son Britt had so willingly stepped in. It was not only the best decision, but, he seemed to have the perfect qualifications. The people knew him well, he had led a team of young people in bringing hundreds to God through our "Throne" ministry, even being recognized nationally for it, and he had been worship leader along with a great team of people so that we could experienced worship like nowhere else. He had also had many prophetic words over his life, even having the renown Benny Hinn said he passed his "anointing" to Britt and never had he done this before.

For those of you who don't know what a prophetic word is it is like a Word of God's promise over an individual life. And in the Christian Churches that believe in the gifts of God being used through man, hold a lot of weight. But now Britt had to be at the helm of a church. A 28 year old, Emory graduate who loved people and ministry. From a logical human view, everything should have been great. But something was "off" and we knew it. Our family was going through some very public matters with my Dad and it was wearing on all of us. And there much more to it that would be impossible to fit into this one blog. Then, one fateful Saturday morning Wes got a call from Britt who had been in the hospital all night alone. He had flipped his jeep over at an intersection, knocked down a light pole and was taken immediately to get a ct scan of his head. Not knowing all the facts yet, Wes pulled on some clothes and out the door he sprung, giving me no choice but to stay home. Boy, did I ever talk to God that morning. We had lost total control and it was a good thing we had! Britt had some injuries and had a few surgeries, but in the end he was a new and better person. I'll share the intricacies with you later, but we did have to dissolve the church during this time having lost most of our members.

We were a family in crisis and out of control! That's when the best things began to happen! And I will share them with you in my next entry. Just know that as God's child, and that's you, when you are forced to give up, then He will take you up. He is so good to lead us even when others' decisions and choices take us through the valley. And even when others abandon and hurt us, God's plan for your life is moving in a sphere and dimension that others can't touch and the plan is right on track. So hang on there and don't feel so helpless no matter what the situation. Someone Who can take control is looking over your shoulder and waiting to step in.

Until next time,
From Roma with Love

How To Find a Safe City

Hello and I hope you had a wonderful weekend! I haven't written for a while, I spent a few days in the same Gulf Coast region that is now very much in danger. As I sat on the beach Dolphin pods swam by playing and eating. Sea gulls flew overhead with their grace and prowess, little crabs hid in the sand peeking one eye out at the intruder in their territory! There was so much beautiful wildlife that it grieves my heart, as I'm sure it does yours, to think that these very creatures may not have much longer to thrive or to survive in their own environment!

Then I saw the horrendous damage being done in Tennessee and surrounding areas by the record breaking floods. I heard a young lady say "this is our first home and it is totally destroyed, and we have a baby coming in a few days". I hurt so much for those raising a family in these uncertain times. So much tragedy and chaos!!! To top things off, another terrorist or "non terrorist" attack, so says the Government spokesman, was thwarted in New York City. Anytime human life is in danger, to me, terror ensues. That is unless you know what I know today and I'm presuming you do, just let me talk about it for a few minutes.

"God is our refuge and strength,

always ready to help in times of trouble.

So we will not fear when earthquakes come

and mountains crumble into the sea.

Let the oceans roar and foam.

let the mountains tremble as the

waters surge!

A river brings joy to the city of our God

the sacred home of the Most High.

God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.

From the very break of day, God will

protect it."

Psalm 46:1-5

I know in our hearts that we do think about why all this is besetting us. And we'll come upon the question, " Where is God in all of this?". He is more grieved over wildlife and human destruction than we ever could be. I can't tell you why these devastating things are happening. But I know where God is. He is in You. The truth is, that the only way we will live everyday with strength and hope is to believe what this Psalm depicts. There is a safe place. It is a city that God is so protective of that no matter what is happening in this present world, which He also created, He will not allow harm to come to that city. What you and I have to know is that the city being referred to here is not a city made with hands, this city is God's sovereign rule in your life. This place is the place within each of us where love is generated, because God is love, and where caring and giving to others is not a problem, it's just natural. If we can live our lives in that dimension of hope, we have no need to fear. Some call it the "Kingdom of God", indeed that's what Jesus Himself called it. When He prayed "Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven", He was bringing heaven down to Earth. He was making it possible for us to pray and receive the same in our own lives.

Dr. Rocco Errico, who is an internationally known authority on the Aramaic (Jesus' language) and Hebrew interpretation of the Bible and ancient Semitic culture, puts it this way, "When we say these words in sincerity, we admit that we desire God's wish to be on earth just as faithfully as it is in the heavens. By awakening this attitude within ourselves, we open our consciousness to the possibility of universal peace on earth. We prepare ourselves to receive and acknowledge the good that our loving Father constantly gives to us" Understanding this concept of God's will being carried out here as in Heaven opens something up in YOU!

Have you ever thought how God designed the Heavens and Earth to operate flawlessly? Again Dr. Errico, "Just as the elements of the universe move in harmony with their innate laws, so we too, need to flow with our innate spiritual powers. In this way we will live together in peace and harmony" Now this is God's desire, this is the city that He will protect no matter what, and it boils down to us.

If you're wondering, I have had a very enlightening weekend! And I hope I have shared this part of it adequately. I'll continue in my next blog entry. But one more thing! Just as the planets have their own orbit, so do we. If God cared to keep the planets aligned, don't you think He has a path aligned for us? As you pray "Thy Kingdom come...etc," you confess that you want to stay in your own orbit. When we understand what we are praying, "We allow the genuine inner Self to emerge and not collide with others." I like the concept that you are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but you are spiritual being having a human experience!

I have much more to say, but remember to stay in tune with that city of love where God rules. It is inside of you and just knowing that, activates it. Operate out of that place and you will not fear and God will guide you and protect you!!! Activate it today by encouraging someone else or lending a helping hand. The awesome love of the universe resident in this city wants to be expressed through you! I know this is true because I know most of you! I love all of you, and may you enjoy all of God's benefits as we pray for those who need this city.

With love

Roma Beth

The Craaazy Stuff of Life!!!

Good morning everyone! It's me again. You know what my sentiment is right now? I'll be honest, sometimes life just makes you tired. I mean just plain old tired of trying, tired!!!! Especially when there are goals you are trying to meet, or expectations waiting in the halls of your mind. Here I am just minding my own business, going along, simply living life, and something comes along that I think I'm okay with, and then it just hits me and I think "I can't do this anymore, I'm tired!!"! Does anyone out there feel my pain?

And then there are those days when nothing I do fits into place. Even the simplest of things, my hands can't seem to hold anything, I try to hang something on a hanger and it slips off two or three times, the coffee scalds my tongue...now it will be sore for days! I drop milk from my cereal bowl onto the PJs I just washed yesterday and they are my favorite PJs, now they'll have to go back through the washing process. Every outfit I choose to put on has something wrong with it, so I go through four before settling on one. I forget to cancel the appointment I couldn't make and get charged a fee, every red light in Newton, Rockdale, Fulton, Dekalb, Cobb and Walton counties catch me if I'm anywhere near! I get almost to where I'm going only to remember I forgot my cellphone. The way I discovered the missing cellphone was because my purse took a tumble and now everything is in the floor. As I'm thinking about that, I enter a parking lot through the wrong entrance and get beeped at, very loudly. As I'm leaving the grocery store, escaping a slow check out line and rude clerk, I remember that I didn't get the one thing I actually came to the store to get probably because my list is somewhere on the floor of the car! Then I remember I forgot all my morning meds! My daughter calls me on the way home and asks me to keep the kids that night for an emergency meeting she must attend. When I hesitate, remembering my day, she takes it as a "no" and starts panicking about who can keep them. When I try to explain why I hesitated, I am misunderstood and there are hurt feelings! When I finally get back home, one thing is checked off my to-do list! I am now the proud owner of new bed sheets that we have needed for sometime. I put them in the washer so we can use them tonight (nothing like a new set of sheets to make a bad day seem not so bad!). But when I return to the laundry room to put them in the dryer, someone has beaten me to it!! How nice! Nice until I realized that they only did it to get their clothes into the washer and they put my sheets on the wrong setting, so now my $89.00 sheets (with a coupon) have shrunk and will not fit my bed. Then as I'm going to bed, I realize I don't feel well and I have a fever. As I say "Good-night" to the Lord, I wonder what tomorrow will hold?

This is the stuff of life, this is living! On days like this I just want to stuff myself into a ball and just zone out!!! I'm sure all of us have been guilty of feeling this way. If you haven't don't tell me that will only add to my list of problems!! Anyway, who said life is suppose to go smoothly? My husband sent me an email that some of you may have received, the information contained therein is from "Steven Covey" who says that 10% of what happens to us on a daily basis it out of our control, and the other 90% is constituted of how we react to that 10%. That's when I said "Reeeaaallly???" it was hard for me to believe, but when I meditated on it I realized the truth it held. Most of my "bad" day was just a normal day with a few little mishaps, but to me, they became horrible obstacles from which I hung my emotional hat of self pity. My problems rest mainly between my two ears, and I don't mean I have a sinus infection or a headache. I have those as well, but, I mean that it is all in how we treat or handle the situations of life that determines our quality of living. So I've gained 3 pounds in one day?...I can lose it again! So my daughter got her feelings hurt?... I can apologize. So my new sheets shrunk?... We'll make more money somehow and buy some more sheets, at least we are strong enough to work. I can't relive those hours, but I can always start again. The one thing I'm learning in recovery, and yes I am recovering from many things, as we all should be, but, I have learned that you can always start over, anytime of the day! This has revolutionized my life!

I guess you can tell that today I am "encouraging myself in the Lord" (as King David said), and I'm letting you listen in. And really all I have shared with you today is to point out that we truly start recovering from trauma and abuse when we learn to let go and forgive ourselves. We all fail every now and then, we all stumble, and we also all overcome or we wouldn't be alive! You are a fighter or you would have been eliminated during the birthing process, you have made it through this life so far by not giving up. So, if you feel that your power was taken from you in a violent or abusive act on you or someone you love, just remember it's not over. You have the sustainability to take back your life. Put yourself on restart and forgive you for not being strong enough to somehow get out of that situation. Then you can start on the road to forgiving others, whether it be your abuser, or those who didn't believe or support you!

I thank my Higher Power, Jesus Christ, that I can live and breath and have my being in Him. Not my "doing", but my "being". You see, I didn't earn the right to live and thrive by anything I have done, it was simply bestowed on me and I am here because of who I have chosen to be, how I have chosen to see myself and my circumstances. I desire to live so that laughter is the best medicine and have so much joy that I couldn't take anymore if you tried to give it to me! Now that's worth living for!!! That's all for now. I hope you will go and enjoy just being who you are!!

Love,

Roma Beth

Good morning! I just love this time of year! The only problem is I want to spend as much time outside as possible, however when I do, because of allergies, I get all congested! I'm sure that's information that added to your day! But how many of you can just feel the itchy nose, watering eyes, sneezing and wheezing? Not to get all philosophical or anything, but isn't that the way of life? We find something we really love, but there's always something standing in the way of us being able to fully enjoy it? You know sort of like the thought process that there is a price tag or a consequence to being able to truly enjoy ourselves. Sort of like taxes! But I'll spare you my sentiment. You know what I do so that I can enjoy the day a little more? I take an antihistamine. Thank God for properly directed pharmaceuticals!

Following this line of thinking, I think some of us, myself included, always feel as if when a good thing is happening to us, we can expect there to be a price tag, or a consequence. You know the saying "too good to be true"? Well there are some inalienable rights that come along with being alive and I think we too often forget those, or let others intimidate us into not believing it. And yes, there are people out there who want to put fear in us for their own purposes. Guilt, fear and intimidation all come from the same negative source and when woven into our thoughts can weaken anything and everything we do. There must have been a reason for Jesus to say "I have come that you might have life and that you might live it to the fullest". There must be an innate need for humanity to resist enjoying the goodness of life.

When someone is victimized, the first thing people want to do is look for a reason. To try and figure out what the victim did to put themselves in jeopardy. Let me tell you something, there doesn't have to be a reason for any individual to suffer from someone else's desire to take what does not belong to them. As simple as this concept is, I find that it is always overlooked. The question "who is to blame?" is always the first attempt to silence the victimized, and put fear and frustration into an already terrible situation.

We experienced this in our family in dealing with my daughter's past abuse. When we began to try to "expose" the problem, even unintentionally, just because we needed help, we were told not to speak of it. Because, as they put it, "everyone can take a little of the responsibility for this". In other words, if she hadn't been put in that situation or had that person not been given access to her. I'm here to tell those of you who are dealing with being victimized, you do have a right to live life "to the fullest" and it's up to you to decide who is to blame. How? You must rise above all criticism and judgmentalism, even well meaning, and then all the crap and sediment will settle in the bottom and you will be vindicated. But the secret is to "rise above" it. I don't care how incredibly horrible your trauma might have been, if you live within the realm of the higher law of love, you will surpass the negative and unkind words of others as God's beautiful light of justice shines through you! Don't balk at me!!!! :) You might not see the person who victimized you suffer any consequences, but believe me, in overcoming evil and hatred with love you are giving place to justice. If we take up a desire to destroy we only add fuel to an already bad fire of evil and it will consume everyone around us! There is only so much space in this atmosphere, so many created molecules, and we build the Kingdom of God when we fill these spaces with Christ-like behavior. "Give no place to the devil" means that we should not increase evil's hold in this world by adding to it. I'll go into this more later.

I do believe my family is beginning to experience a sense of God's type of justice. We will walk in the gift of a beautiful life. It is my right as a child of God and I hope you understand that it is your right too to partake of the "abundant Life"or life as full as God intended it to be.

What does this have to do with this beautiful Springtime we are enjoying? Well, Spring is always a beautiful representation of the Glory of God, of His goodness towards us, of regeneration and resurrection. It is a visible sign of the good things God designed for us to enjoy on a daily basis. Open your eyes and see, God gives good things. Life, death, resurrection are all beautiful, if seen from the proper vantage point. Rise above fear and guilt, which are like the allergies keeping us from enjoying the ever present beauty around us. Use your God given remedies of meditation, love, and faith, which are the spiritual antihistamines that we can inject into our spirit man. And get outside and enjoy the day!!!

Hope to hear from you!!!

Love, Roma Beth

My Sister, My Hero, Our Death

Good morning!!! I hope I have a few readers still with me. My posts are few and far between, but when they come, I hope they are rich and help you in some aspect of your own life. Or you may come in contact with someone who needs help in an area I address from my life, please feel free to share this blog. Today I will take a break from talking about trauma, to talking about what this date commemorates for me.

Today sixteen years ago my life began to unravel in a new way. My sister, encourager, second Mom, best friend, and biggest fan died. She was my hero! This day was the death of a certain kind of innocence. It was the day that life suddenly halted for me and my family. Yes I continued to go through the motions rising to meet the expectations around us, but feelings were far from me. We had some great friends back in those days who stepped in to help us with whatever we needed, and to them I will be eternally grateful. I would name them, but they may want to stay anonymous. I now know that I should have taken more time to heal.

I had not been in contact with my parents very often in those days, our family had been torn apart with conflict. But not long after I received the call informing me of her death, my doorbell rang. I opened the door and was shocked to see my Daddy standing there as grief stricken as I had ever seen him. He was a mess with sorrow. He fell into my arms and said "Oh Beth, I am so sorry". I think he knew how big of a loss this would be for me and my kids. I won't go into it now, but Becky basically mentored me in ministry, life, love, just about everything, and she was one of the last, if not the last link I had at times to sanity. When you've been reared in a house of cards, rebuilding with reality is very difficult. But this was a reality no one could change. Becky was the hitching post to which I hitched my ever changing emotions and she always led me to Jesus.

But back to my Dad, he then asked me to help him perform the unpleasant task of telling my Mom. My Mother had already lost so much and not by her own making. As I look back I realize that her choices had been laid out for her. So we set out in his car down highway 212, tears streaming down our faces. We both realized we were at the exact same place, but we found no words to form for the occasion. All I could think was, "is this real?".

My Mom awaited us and we sat her in a chair, I got at her feet, and as we told her I saw life drain from her face. It was the look of a Mother whose emotions are slowly sinking into the abyss of grief. We talked, we prayed and cried, we asked "why?". We asked "why Becky? Why now?". She had so much to do. Or so we thought.

Then suddenly, as always, reality returned. Daddy let go of her hand and left us to go perform another funeral. Good for his ministry, hurtful to his family. He really thought he was demonstrating Christ, maybe he was. But I can't help but feel that Christ stayed in that room with us. This is just my experience, it is what it is. God is still good. All for now.

From Roma with love

My Canary is Still Singing!

Good morning, and a beautiful one it is! Here I am again, and I must say that I got much feedback from my last entry. When you talk to me, it let's me know if what I am writing is of any help to you. And I really do write this in an attempt to help someone, anyone who may be in the middle of a traumatic situation. Thanks to those of you who gave your encouragement, you'll never know how much that means to us. If I needed to write for therapy, it wouldn't be for the world to see!!! The world's seen enough of my stuff!!! And to answer many of your questions, I hope I have made it clear that the abuser was not someone in my immediate family. Since my Dad was a great leader and did so much good, I need to clarify this. And there are many other great men of God who are related to us who have been there to help us through this. So I hope whatever you are going through can be eased by knowing others have been there. And once again, I love you all.

I said I would write a continuation of my last entry, and I will. I hope it will continue to loose your inner canary, so you can sing freely!! It may not be what most of you expected, but it will be what is the most helpful. If you need to know what I refer to in the rest of this entry, just go back and read the previous one, I won't try to recap.

I left off where my family was in the middle of helping my then, 24 year old daughter overcome the memory and revelation of a horrible traumatic childhood abuse. Because we were a close knit family, this affected us all very deeply, and my two Grandchildren, who were just little babies, were also being negatively impacted. The first thing my family wanted to do was find out who had done this, but to this I say, that doesn't really matter. You may think I'm crazy, but when someone you love is in the middle of a traumatic situation, and if it is an act perpetrated against them, the focus needs to be helping your loved one. You cannot help someone else in your own anger and revenge mode. I am in no way saying that you shouldn't eventually find this out just for the protection of others and to continue to protect your family. But, for purposes of this article, I want to focus on the steps we took in order to get on a road to recovery.

We are all in some form of recovery whether you like it or not. But I wanted to see our recovery lead somewhere. If your recovery is not leading to wellness, then you are not recovering, you are just continuing to play the victim. Jesus said in John 10:10, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they (you) may have life and that they (you) may have it more abundantly." Since my family follows the teachings of Christ, we understood this scripture to say that to stay in a victim's role defeats our purpose for living. So, even though it was difficult to carry on, life had to go on. We knew that Sunday was coming and our family was responsible for the service. I remember how proud I was that my son was able to carry on leading worship and ministering that Sunday. But we still had to deal with our own pain and the pain my daughter was experiencing. And kudos to her husband for being so good in this. In the long run, however, no one could be healed for her, she had to receive her own healing. And as her Mother I had to receive mine. It was hard not to take this personally, I did, but I also had to stay objective so that my pain didn't give more ground for growth to the pain of my other family members.

Here are some of the steps we took as a family, and as a disclaimer, may I say that even though we try to follow these steps, there has still been fall out. We lost our church, which is still a pain in my heart. But there were other circumstances that could have contributed to this as well. And I don't think a true church can be lost. We just had to close the doors of our fellowship but those who are the "church", who took seriously the teachings of the church we led, they have moved on to bring their own life to other fellowships, this makes me glad.

But, first we prayed for the right thinking. Like I said, if your thoughts and emotions are negative towards others, you cannot be a help. And we decided to keep it as quiet as we could and only share this with very trusted people. Your intention for sharing your problems maybe pure, but others can make you miserable by their interpretation of it. Even though we tried to keep it quiet, eventually people started guessing at what had happened in our family. The guessing can hurt more than the truth. Sometimes people love to hear that those in leadership have problems because they are looking for a reason to cast doubt upon them. Sometimes, others who mean well, may share your problem with someone who doesn't understand, then there will be many other victims. Yes, of course, the knee jerk reaction is to tell everyone!! But when you let it cool down for a while, you realize, first you don't have the right to share other people's pain with anyone. It is up to them who they share it with. And if you are the one in pain, the first one you need to share with, other than your closest family, is a professional. Please talk, but talk to the right people. Believe me, this one thing will spare you so much trouble! And I'll say this, don't expect the people you do share this with to be as appalled as you are, if it is a really bad situation, sometimes they won't even believe you, therefore they can't be a support for you anyway. Telling them will become a liability. This is only the first step, don't give up on me, there's still good things to come!

Well, that's all for today. I'll continue this later, It's too pretty out today to be sitting here reading my blog, or anyone's blog!! Go out and enjoy the day and take time to hug someone you love, life can throw curves at you. Thank goodness we have a Higher Power who is alive and well and who cares!

P.S. My canary is still singing!

Until then, my love,

Roma Beth